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Survival Pop

by Worriers

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1.
I see the circles under your eyes and it’s been years. I’ve got questions and you’ve gone grey since you moved here. But our seats at the bar feel the same. We can run but we’re back here anyway. Smile at the worst of things. Laugh when I hate everything. I can re-read every exchange, every display of misplaced energy. What was I, high? I must’ve been drunk to think that we were as good as it looked. When the best days were the worst times that I can’t get off of my mind. In this next life, some things go unheard. I pretend not to notice cause this anxiety hurts. I can still find you in crowds. You’re impressed and I am floored right now. But that doesn’t really change much. When the best days were the worst times that I can’t get off of my mind. I’ve waited but we’ll never begin. Kept me miserable and thin. When the best days were the worst times, I protect my heart from my own mind. It’s hard when you add to the list of things that I can’t make up, You think about me on New Years. When the best days were the worst times that I can’t get off of my mind. I’ve waited but we’ll never begin. Kept me miserable and thin. When the best days were the worst times, I protect my heart from my own mind. It’s hard when you add to the list of things that I can’t make up, You think about me on New Years.
2.
I was not your type, but I could get pushed into that. I could make this believable, like my natural habitat. It only takes a few words to stick in your head: “Boys don’t like girls who wear stuff like that.” Nothing ever fits like it’s supposed to. Constant reminders, what the world didn’t give you. Wallow in the person I never wanted to be. Then femininity lost power over me. I was not your type. Is it envy or lust? I dunno. But some days drive it home that I’m not enough, when so many others fit the mold. Is it who you’d like to be? Or the way she makes you feel? Should’ve seen the rings around my eyes, yeah I did that shit for years. Wallow in the person I never wanted to be. Then femininity lost power over me. I was not your type. Wallow in the person I never wanted to be. Then femininity lost power for me. I was not your type.
3.
Count down the months till you move out of the house. Center of the state, feeling highway bound. Smoke cigarettes and pace between cul-de-sacs. “Going for a walk, yeah I’ll be right back.” Left my heart hiding in the back of the car as the rain poured down at the Freehold Mall. I made up bogus scenarios, like “we just don’t want to be friends anymore.” I’ll grow up to be some love interest. Searching for a song about a love that might have been between anxiety and hindsight. Talk of style and glory but you never pictured me. ...the possibility. Doing your job at being overprotecting but these guys were never that threatening. “I’m just one of the boys, you see. You don’t have to worry about me.” I’ll grow up to be somebody’s waitress. Searching for a song about a love that might have been between anxiety and hindsight. Talk of style and glory but you never pictured me. ...the possibility.
4.
Gaslighter 02:08
This could write itself. After hours at the beach. Up to the breakers in the dark. Somewhere we’re not supposed to be. Now I get to hear about how sorry you are. Now’s a perfect time to hear how sorry you are. Who wouldn’t fall for that? Plans to take us far and wide. Push me into a pitch black ocean. Keep me sane. Get me high. Now I get to hear about how sorry you are. Now’s a perfect time to hear how sorry you are. But I just want to be alone sometimes. I just want to be alone sometimes.
5.
Every new day a worse taste in my mouth and the feeling that we’re at an end. The feeling of being outnumbered, believing the message they send. You’re operating in terms where empathy weakens your core. A life of something to prove but you don’t gotta prove anymore. Wait for history to count to ten then you can come and get us, come and get me. No one’s waiting for this nightmare to end before we pick up, swing back, refusing what we’re up against. They’ve got bigger flags, they’ve got bigger bombs, but through all the noise there’s still more of us. If you wait in the echoes of fear, you just might forget. I’ve got no time for middle ground, got no excuse for your own unkindness now. Some things are fundamental, we won’t see eye to eye. Wait for history to count to ten then you can come and get us, come and get me. No one’s waiting for this nightmare to end before we pick up, swing back, refusing what we’re up against.
6.
Future Me 03:08
Here I am future me, on the corner of 5th and Berkeley. Glorified canvas socks and this shredded jean jacket. The corners that I end up on by accident. Between the leaves and sky I see negative space, when I followed some directions past your old place. Like a friend you can’t forgive but then forgot, your house is on Your Neighborhood’s Next Top Parking Lot. When I leave you’ll never notice it. But I relive those years like phantom limbs. Your indecision, a lack of empathy. I shoulda left, I shoulda settled for lonely. Every slow familiar soundtrack brings me here, to a ghost I haven’t spoken to in years. My nerves were slowly stretching out the sleeves of every sweater. Rekindling old habits, knowing better. When I leave you’ll never notice it. But I relive those years like phantom limbs. Your indecision, a lack of empathy. I shoulda left, I shoulda settled for lonely. Dark nostalgia and the tapes I haven’t played, since that deck broke in my old room in the house you never went to. Here I am, future me.
7.
Grew out of the college town into a new apartment. Fell in love, left the group house and the smoke stained couch. But some things just weren’t for you, you thought you didn’t deserve it. No one cares! No one cares! No one cares! The mantra of left out. Convince yourself into going without But I made up my mind to grow into something else. But you could always talk me out of anything. You said, “No one wants to hear from you, you know it’s awful presumptuous.” You said, “All the hard work that you do? Keep that shit to yourself.” But taking it out on me has gotten you nowhere. I don’t need your permission, don’t need your self doubt. Convince yourself into going without But I made up my mind to grow into something else. But you could always talk me out of anything. Convince yourself into going without But I made up my mind to grow into something else. But you could talk yourself out of anything. Convince yourself into going without But I made up my mind to grow into something else. But you could always talk me out of anything.
8.
No Thanks 02:19
There’s a place I think of often, where we’re still twenty-three in Boston…you’re still there. My heart was soaring and awkward, too distant or too forward. In constant soft focus, and I’m a little bit jealous. Now there’s an awful club. A fear of phone calls I know you knew well. Eight years between you two. More life to throw back at you. Learn to build a wall till it slips. You know I’ve thought about it. We should really hang out more. Send me that tape you made. See you on the West Coast next time. Sending my love again. Would it have changed your mind? Shouldn’t have to rely on so much of my memory. Too many friends are slow faded out of me. Feel like I wanna disappear. I’m so glad you’re here. Shouldn’t have to rely on so much of my memory. Too many friends are slow faded out of me. Can’t say that I don’t understand. No thanks, you don’t get to come back.
9.
I had a picture of you suspended in air on a festival stage. Ecstatic, a gesture, a motion without a face. It’s in the smallest things, in an overwhelming noise. A person you build into mountains over time. You said you wanna spend some time with me. Why would you wanna spend some time with me? Keep getting closer to one day you always imagined. No waiting, like clockwork, the second guessing happens. I’ve got some iron plans and intentions made of steel. A life that’s good on paper but how does it feel. You said you wanna spend some time with me. Why would you wanna spend some time with me? You said you wanna spend some time with me. Why would you wanna spend some time with me?
10.
You’ll feel better if you leave the house. It’s too easy to be hard on yourself. Miss out on energy you get somewhere else. You’ll feel better if you leave the house and it’s only the things you don’t do that you regret. Take a step out of my head. When I’m frozen and overwhelmed. It’s rational to stay here instead. Finding comfort in feeling like hell and it’s only the things you do and say that you regret. Set no alarm cause I am totally guaranteed to wake to my chest beating for miles ahead of me. I lie awake as sleep escapes me. Beating to an infinite hum of anxiety. Take my mind of off things. Deep breath for things you can’t control. For times your good at holding a grudge. For times you use self-care as a crutch and it’s only the things you do and say that I regret. Set no alarm cause I am totally guaranteed to wake to my chest beating for miles ahead of me. I lie awake as sleep escapes me. Beating to an infinite hum of anxiety.
11.
What’s your burning fascination with so many of those you don’t understand? It’s not my job, it’s not my fault. I don’t have time to hold your hand. You can’t disarm me with words that I choose for myself. Can’t force upon me the judgment of anyone else. I’m not the problem but a greater fantasy. Don’t know what you’re imagining, your worst fear sets a fire n me. I hope I never have any children. I hope that they have many, many. In the name of a god I don’t believe in, we claim our bodies without apology. I think you’re asking all the wrong questions. I know regret is unforgiving. I don’t think about wanting it all, I want a brand new meaning of everything. You can’t disarm me with words that I choose for myself. Can’t force upon me the judgment of anyone else. I’m not the problem but a greater fantasy. Don’t know what you’re imagining, your worst fear sets a fire n me. You can’t disarm me with words that I choose for myself. Can’t force upon me the judgment of anyone else. I’m not the problem but a greater fantasy. Don’t know what you’re imagining, your worst fear sets a fire n me.
12.
Open Heart 03:15
How did I make it to the end of the day when I could see it coming from a mile away? Like a fast car, headed for a brick wall. The instant of shock before a great fall. Tension and care, making do on my own. If you can’t be prepared, gotta live and let go. The notion you learn from the hurt beneath your feet. The feeling I’m here by the skin of my teeth. The people I’ve been and the proving scars. I’ve gone through life with an open heart. Against my will, got forced to move slow. Like the rug pulled out, a life put on hold. A little time lost but perspective gained. A season of loss to bring positive change. Tension and care, making do on my own. If you can’t be prepared, gotta live and let go. The notion you learn from the hurt beneath your feet. The feeling I’m here by the skin of my teeth. The people I’ve been and the proving scars. I’ve gone through life with an open heart.
13.
Future Me 03:08
Here I am future me, on the corner of 5th and Berkeley. Glorified canvas socks and this shredded jean jacket. The corners that I end up on by accident. Between the leaves and sky I see negative space, when I followed some directions past your old place. Like a friend you can’t forgive but then forgot, your house is on Your Neighborhood’s Next Top Parking Lot. When I leave you’ll never notice it. But I relive those years like phantom limbs. Your indecision, a lack of empathy. I shoulda left, I shoulda settled for lonely. Every slow familiar soundtrack brings me here, to a ghost I haven’t spoken to in years. My nerves were slowly stretching out the sleeves of every sweater. Rekindling old habits, knowing better. When I leave you’ll never notice it. But I relive those years like phantom limbs. Your indecision, a lack of empathy. I shoulda left, I shoulda settled for lonely. Dark nostalgia and the tapes I haven’t played, since that deck broke in my old room in the house you never went to. Here I am, future me.

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released September 29, 2017

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Worriers Brooklyn, New York

Worriers are a band from Brooklyn, New York, led by songwriter Lauren Denitzio. They've toured with acts like John K Samson, Against Me!, Julien Baker, Anti Flag, The Wonder Years, and more. Worriers' debut album "Imaginary Life" was produced by Laura Jane Grace of Against Me! ... more

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